Thanking The Darkness

It felt like the demons had crawled up and tried to drag me back down, after all the work I’ve been doing and all the progress I’d made, it felt like I was failing, like I was losing, like I was falling back into the underworld…

That’s what it felt like last night, when I couldn’t sleep. Truthfully, that’s what it felt like the past few nights.

For the past several days, since the tornado came and took the power with it, it felt like my soul had been plunged into the darkness as well. Now, I typically don’t have an issue with the power being out. I quite enjoy when the world feels like its been restored to its natural order. Awake and alive with the sun, quiet and sleeping when night hits.

But this time felt more ominous. Maybe because for the first time in my life I’d seen Red Cross trucks zooming down the street, maybe because I’d ventured out the day after the tornado hit and saw roads blocked by enormous fallen tress, power lines down, fences and homes destroyed…Maybe because the external chaos was so loud, so pronounced, I might’ve internalized that energy…

Whatever the case, I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t hold the grief at bay any longer. The grief of mourning everyone I’ve ever loved. Some of them have passed on to the afterlife, most have not. You ever mourned the living? I have but these last few days it came back and hit me like a brick wall.

I couldn’t sleep. No reiki, no crystal, no prayer was able to soothe the ache in my chest, the ragged breathing coming from my body…I begged for relief, pleaded for mercy from the Divine, nothing.

So I did the only thing I know to do, I went to the altar, and I called on my council. I called forth any and everybody who would listen and could help. I told them how it hurt. I told them I hadn’t been suppressing my pain, I’d been allowing it when it came, so why was it attacking me so viscously now? I told them the summer solstice frightened me because Cancer season is when everything hits me the hardest and I was afraid to feel more pain. I poured my heart out to my people and I told them my truths.

When I had nothing left to say, one of my ancestors came forward and said, “Okay, you told us about it. Now, go within and let us tell you what is going on.” I told her I wasn’t going to do that. I told her that I didn’t want to risk feeling anymore pain in the stillness of meditation. Bawling, snotting and crying, I told her I couldn’t hold anymore. That if I went into meditation, she had to promise no more pain would come. She promised, so I hesitantly closed my eyes and dropped into meditation instantly. (12:12p-asé)

The first thing I heard was a line from Ariel J’s poem, “I Ain’t Never Been Up That High” and the rush of information came to me. My ancestor explained to me my soul knows I’m on the threshold of my new beginning, of everything I’ve ever asked for coming into fruition in the next few weeks. And although exciting, there’s no data for my brain to reach for to prepare us for this next step. So, my brain reaches for what’s familiar to keep me safe from the unknown. The terrain of grief, loss, anguish and pain is something I know a little too intimately. So in a panic, to protect me, my brain reaches for it, keeping me swaddled in a blanket made of exactly those things. Better to fall into the pain of the familiar than to risk the pain of the unknown.

When I realized this, I felt a wave of both relief and self compassion sweep over me. It was then that I was able to remind myself of every single moment I had no data points to refer to, no safety net to fall into, yet, I took the risk anyway and survived. And I reminded myself that this time, I won’t have to jump and pray for survival. This time, I can rely on the foundation I’ve co-created with the Divine via my ancestors, my nature spirits, my highest self, my inner child, my archangels, my divas, deities and other beings that walk alongside me from this lifetime and the past.

So, although the grief I feel for the folks I’ve loved and lost is very, very real, it was acting as a buffer between me and the unknown. My mind’s last attempt to keep me safe from harm. When this clarity was offered to me, my ancestor said to me, “We heard you when you said you were ready, but now we know now for sure you are. Watch for the changes over the next few days, let what you’ve been waiting for come to you.”

Sleep came to me the second I crawled back into the bed after thanking my team for meeting me, for soothing me. When I woke up this morning, I went straight to my diary to share out what happened at the altar, processing the fact that I finally felt peace in my spirit after days of torment, in awe of the timing of the tornado and being plunged into physical darkness but still finding the light within.

In an instant, (and days ahead of schedule) the power clicked back on…and in my mind’s ear, I heard, “As within, so without. We are so proud of you.”

Ariel J-"I Ain't Never Been Up That High"

I started getting what I asked for and I got scared

I almost handed it back

Cause I ain’t never been up that high

I started living how I asked for

And then I rebelled

Like I was under attack

Cause I ain’t never been up that high

I started flying like I seen it in my dreams for years, and then I fell

Scared of wings growing out my back

Cause I ain’t never been up that high

But when I hit the ground, see, the soil held me close and whispered,

“You’ll do well. Hug the air and she will hug you back.”

“I know you never been up that high.”

Then the rain came and washed me clean

A strike of lightening set some fire to my dreams

And the wind climbed up under my wings

Lifting me up again with one big swing and I was flying

Beaming with pride

I know the elements are cracking a smile

I think I’m ready now

Wow. I ain’t never been up this high